Category Archives: Journal

Journal {9} ~ 24/07/21 ~ Blog Update

Hello friends and divine souls, sending you love. DiosRaw will be resting for a while. Blogging and writing is therapy for my soul, upon waking I research and enjoy sharing knowledge with you all everyday and learning from your beautiful minds. However, I have been and am currently in hospital dealing with health complications. I hope to be back to the regular blogging schedule soon once I get more homeostasis. I will be looking through the reader when I can and appreciate your posts; I may post every now and then.

Until then, you can have a break from the mind overflowing knowledge that is pouring out of DiosRaw {haha}. I look forward to sharing more fascinating topics, information, love and courses with you soon.

I love you, you are loved. Blessed.

~Love Is The Answer. Amber, DiosRaw 24/07/21

Journal {8} ~ 26/05/21 ~ Homeopathic Path Of Healing

I went to see an holistic doctor today and the hour consultation went well. We discussed my health issues and past history linking things up to where I am today. The homeopath was a nice man who listened and genuinely wants to help me recover regarding my health. He did an iridology test on me to see the health issues in the iris of my eye; he saw I had issues with my nervous system, liver and adrenal glands. My health is a mess but we are going to do a slow approach to the homeopathic way of healing due to my high sensitivity. He has given me two homeopathic remedies to try, one drop on an empty stomach per week of the two for a month then we will increase the dose of the remedies. I will see how it goes, the remedies prescribed should help with digestive issues, the gut lining and anxiety amongst many other benefits. Leaving behind mainstream medicine and doctors, that root made me sicker. It will be a slow process of healing however I will try this path and see what happens…

~Love is the answer. Amber, DiosRaw 26/05/21

Journal {7} ~ 23/04/21 ~ Standard Doctors Aren’t Doctors

Standard doctors aren’t doctors, they are trained from a university text book, brainwashed into thinking in the institutional way and don’t seem to have compassion or understanding of the mind~body~spirit connection at all. The answer to my health problems after a blunt and numb phone call.. “What do you expect us to do?” No words and let the phone go dead. You phone the doctors for help not for more pain; feeling alone in the despair of ill health.

This is not always the case, but in our world the healthcare systems are there to profit off of our ill health; the sad and ugly truth.

Upside down world.

~Love is the answer. Amber, DiosRaw 23/04/21

Journal {6} ~ 22/04/21 ~ A Message To My Doctors

“Hi, my heart is feeling very very weak, I have a lot of heart pain and chest pain with searing, stabbing pains coming from my heart. My lungs hurt and I have a lump in my throat that hasn’t gone down (I was given a nasal spray and it didn’t work when tried) which makes me have problems swallowing and breathing. My anxiety is severely bad and I feel very very weak, tired and the fibromyalgia pain. I have collapsed a few times and lost consciousness.

I had test results that came back indicating I have deficiencies in Vitamin B12, Iron and Vitamin D. I would like to have the Vitamin-B12 injections, apologies for any inconveniences when I stopped after the first injection a month or so ago. The Iron and Vitamin-D supplements I cannot take due to the ingredients which give me severe allergies.. What can I do to restore my Iron and Vitamin-D levels? I can’t eat any foods except 8 due to my gut lining being damaged by the pharmaceuticals given to me at 19, I am allergic to pretty much everything; weak weak immune system. Please help me, my health is very bad and I am scared.”

~Love is the answer. Amber, DiosRaw 23/04/21

Journal {5} ~ 21/04/21 ~ Forgetting What It Feels Like To Be & Feel Human

After that time and what happened, I have forgotten what it feels like to be human; to feel emotion, to feel safe, to feel anything.. What is it like to cry? Numbness is my reality. Neurotransmitters feel non-existent and reality has never been the same since. I can’t believe I am still alive. In a way, pharmaceuticals are stealing my soul, once hooked, they are, is my case, hell to come off these death pills. Looping in circles.

Sometimes music hits you, a hint of pain strikes through you at what life could be like and having to accept where you are. The beauty and pain of human life.

Smiling behind the pain as many of us do and creating to survive. We are all going through something.

~Love is the answer. Amber, DiosRaw 21/04/21

Journal {4} ~ 11/04/21 ~ Why I Create?

Many ask why I create, the answer is because I have to. To survive in this life, to express the inner word, the drive is there for creating.. Releasing the tension, pain and love into forms of many types.. For me to comprehend and for others to comprehend or decifer.. For others to find something within themselves through my creations. To find solace and consolation.

~Love is the answer. Amber, DiosRaw 11/04/21

Journal {3} ~ 09/04/21 ~ When You Hurt The Other You Hurt Yourself

When you hurt the other, you hurt yourself within the interconnectivity of this cosmos; for you are the other beyond duality. I have learnt a lot, hastiness is a vice, it is harder for myself to form human relationships with chronic pain and other mental afflictions because whilst the world is spinning around, being in pain 24/7 and acting normal can be painful sometimes. When you hurt the other, you hurt yourself.. let go of the weight on your shoulders, all is as it is, forgiveness.

~Love is the answer. Amber, DiosRaw 09/04/21

Journal {2} ~ 05/04/21 ~ Sinkhole, Wipe-Out, Black-Out

A sinkhole devouring all history, a wipe-out, blackout, the plethora of our true essences shrivelled into dust..

A sick twisted ruling class of elites purging their dark and dirty ways onto ignorant souls.

Food that poisons our vessels, water that drowns in toxic chemicals, air suffocating the life force, spewing monsters of machines forcing their feed of propaganda onto the populace, mouths open wide in desperate hunger.

Strangled by the battering of storms, a cyclone of emotions holding my soul at gunpoint.

Yearning for a place called home, whatever that may be whilst beings profiting on sickness churn away in their stance of wealth in place of health.

Ancient history lost in the midsts of clouds we never knew, our roots cut, trees without foundation.

Existential crises, a promulgation of empty lost souls swallowing all that is held out on a golden plate.

History never walked away, the tides coming in awaiting the washing of our true nature.

Hope dappled through the trees leaving dark pools of shadows dampening the light streaming through onto the face of stoney angels.

Dwindled faith, gut wrenching stir.

Spirituality like a melting ice cube within my hand, the more I touch it, the more heat spread, the more it melts into the water of my tears onto sheets to be washed anyway..

~Love is the answer. Amber, DiosRaw 05/04/21

Journal {1} ~ 01/04/21 ~ Meditative Inner Child Healing

Allergic reactions day after day, laying in bed while the world plays. The vehicle appears to be getting weaker, the immune system lagging in time, is the next reaction going to end this life? These pills they shoved down my throat are decimating this young body, I miss that somebody years ago. The world rotates while I lay and bide this life’s course, in bed staring at walls and writing my heart out until it bleeds onto paper.

Sitting down to meditate, body pain riddes and rattles me. Breathing in pink light energised with love and visualising breathing out the pain and anxieties running through the mind, a foggy smoke regurgitates out; repeating this flow a few times. Meditative states bring me to scenes of the past like a movie flashing before me eyes. Tears tumble down my cheeks as I see the inner child lonely, afraid and scared, I hug her close, wipe her tears and tell her she is, I am, all she has been searching for. A healing meditation; thanking my guides and visualising once again a white light surrounding my body – my energy and auric field is safe and protected. Bowing my head, thanking God for this life even through the hell. Opening my doors to the soul, the world is clearer yet still in a foggy post-allergic reaction state, it is late afternoon now and it will take a couple days to recover. Seeing the blessings in all, this is a time to rest and write in bed, channelling my energy into words.

Hug your inner child, hug that child inside that was hurt. We all hurt.

Keep going, keep trudging through the mud and cloudy hazy initiation forests..

~Love is the answer. Amber, DiosRaw 01/04/21

~About The Author, My Story ~ Amber, DiosRaw~

Here is my blog’s “About The Author” page

Hi there, I am a soul from the United Kingdom discovering love, truth, knowledge, God and enlightenment. I am a full-time writer, poet, philosopher, free-spirit, traveller, artist, African Djembe drummer, gardener, nature lover, photographer, yogi, blogger, knowledge addict and student of the universe who is searching for truth, knowledge, what it means to be human and why I am on this planet. I love to laugh, stay curious and have deep, meaningful conversations.

DiosRaw is my therapy, a place I can be myself in all its rawness. I needed a place to get out my inner world and publish it somewhere within this global cyberspace, for myself and for anyone else’s consolation out there.

This is my journey, featuring daily research series on spirituality, philosophy and various different topics, alternative therapies, spiritual resources, journal entries, poetry, collaborations, quotes, proverbs, news, photography and anything that I find of interest.

As of May 2021, during this time of personal and planetary disemberment, I am experiencing severe health issues but I keep going each day through the hell and dualistic blessings of this wonderous cosmos. I live with my partner, who I met under magical circumstances and he has saved my life many times; my best friend, sharing many beautiful experiences together. I go betwixt the city and countryside.

I’ve have a passion for knowledge and educating myself with many diverse interests covering psychology, yoga, gardening, african djembe drumming, shamanism, philosophy, Buddhism, Hinduism, spirituality, astronomy, science, photography, music and beyond. I’ve taken many online courses and areas of study to try to gain an holistic view of the world from different perspectives.

My story began in a little village in England, growing up in the beautiful English countryside. At around the age of 14 I started to isolate myself more and more from the world. I was fed up with small talk, with the bullying and always looked deeper into things. I lost my hair due to anorexia, shaved it off and developed a rare condition called AMP (amplified musculoskeletal pain) which caused a burning, tingling sensation all over my scalp. This experience of loosing my identity, the hair, catalysed my spiritual journey as I started asking many questions. I isolated myself from everyone around me and spent most of my time in my bedroom. From morning to evening I devoured more and more information, studying science, religion, philosophy, spirituality, to find answers, to become knowledgeable and to create self-worth built on knowledge. I was a knowledge addict. If I didn’t get my fix of documentaries, research or if I didn’t feel I had learnt enough in a day I would feel abnormal and an uncomfortable feeling stirred in me. At this time I had a dark night of the soul experience, spending endless hours lost in the deepest depression, by myself, all I wanted was my own company – it was safe; OCD also reared it’s head to cope with the chaos of my reality. I never spoke much for these four years in a bedroom, I didn’t go out much or socialise, I had forgotten the sound of my own voice. Meditating night and day I was like a monk. I studied psychedelics, enlightenment and only wanted to pursue self-awareness and understanding, to be enlightened so to say. I read channellings about the spirit world, the soul path and believed I was following my unique journey. Everything will be understood in the end, the tapestry of life will reveal itself I told myself. During this time I discovered Ayahuasaca (a South American entheogenic drink made out of Banisteriopsis caapi vine and other ingredients) when I stumbled upon a documentary. All these truth seekers taking this plant medicine brew in the jungle was something I felt I needed to do. I yearned for deeper wisdom, self-understanding and healing. This medicine called to me. I felt a calling. All I wanted to do was go to the jungle and study with shamans, participate in an apprenticeship and heal myself. All my teenage years were spent waiting to board a plane to Peru at 18; I wanted to put the past behind me and become a new person in the jungle. I yearned for the jungle, it feels like my home and still does. The bio-diversity, the beauty, the rawness, the purity and the wildness pulled. “Please take me home God,” I prayed. I said to my mum, “I want to go home.”

I had a sense of purity about me, having isolated myself. All this changed when I went out into the world.

My long-term vision since I was a young teenager was to travel Central America and South America from Mexico down to Peru. Dreaming of living in the Amazon rainforest, after chancing upon a documentary, becoming a shaman’s apprentice, studying plant medicine and tribes at 18, when these plans came to an end as the retreat centre I was going to work at went bankrupt. Many shamans believe I am to become a shamanic healer in this lifetime. I was told, somehow it came up in conversation, that on my dad’s side, my great great grandmother, was a “quack” which means someone who dealt with herbal medicine, she could “see things” and people went to her if they had any problems.

I went travelling in 2017 until 2019 and nothing has been the same since. In 2017 I went out in the world to travel around Europe, I felt freedom for the first time, a relief from all the depression of past years and my hand burnt in the fire. After travelling I came back traumatised through homelessness, betrayal, addiction, living out in -3 degrees, seeing things any young person would be brought to their knees when endured amongst many other things. I felt as if I had lived a lifetime or more in two years. I was diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, depression and fibromyalgia (a chronic pain condition all over the body causing burning sensations and cognitive issues) in October 2019.

In England from July 2019 I have felt as if I am in a hell realm, like fragments of my soul have left my body. Many symptoms trouble me: muscle tremors, shakes, headaches, head pressure, chronic body pain (tingling sensations of pain, as if a burning pan is on my skin, knives jabbing into my skin all over or acid is wearing away my muscles), with dissociation and disorientation, memory blanks; sometimes where I don’t recognise where I am fully or who I am. Reality is blurry, my memory is not so good, feeling on edge with hyperactivity a lot of the time with manic states, I cannot feel emotion, it is like being trapped in a numb decaying body, I cannot cry or feel anything except pain with no mood, completely flat-lined, transparent, like a ghost, my breathing is weak, onstant headaches and pressure, third eye pressure, fatigued all of the time, feeling as if I could collapse at any moment, racy thoughts that feel uncontrollable. I see tracers in my visual field, three seconds of someone’s previous position traced; I can see where someone has previously been. Spiritual abilities have awakened, claircognizance, I know when things will happen sometimes or information about events or people, I know by sensing peoples energy when they are lying or putting up a block, sometimes I can sense someone’s aura or energetic field, I know how someone is feeling just by being with them or from a distance and I can connect with people so deeply. I feel detached from the world, depersonalized, dissociated, derealized, lost in a dream-like state with no ground or foundation. Nothing feels real. The world feels grey and empty. It feels as if I have been on a hard drug for months like speed even though I haven’t. Strung out. On edge. Every day is panic for me. Survival mode. I have so much to give to the world and experience, but I cannot live like this, it is hell and unbearable. I know something has gone wrong in my body, a big neuro-chemical imbalance that makes me feel like I am trapped in a permanent state of a drug comedown; I did take a substance at 18 that I never feel I have fully recovered from, I have been in that hell state of comedown for nearly three years now. I’m scared and find all the things that come with human life difficult. There is no pleasure, food does not taste the same, it tastes like plastic. People sometimes do not appear real, like plastic and giving a hug feels like someone is hugging a ghost. I wake in so much pain and go to sleep in dire pain. Currently I am doing what I can to help myself, I tried councilling in 2019 but it didn’t give me coping mechanisms or provide clarity on the past, I was with a youth mental health team, part of the NHS, but every meeting consisted of filling out forms, I discharged myself. I somehow managed to work in a hippie shop from the end of July 2019 to not be isolated in a village and kill myself but lost my job at the end of January 2020 because I could no longer do it. I’ve tried alternative therapies such as massages, reiki, energy healing, gong baths and medications, I went to see osteopaths but nothing seems to work at all. The NHS has not helped me at all with my pain phsyically or mentally, left outside in the rain, forgotten and given medication to take which has further destroyed my health and has made me an addict. The pharmaceuticals have damaged my gut lining and I am only able to eat around eight foods or else an allergic reaction will occur. I tried to take my life four times in 2019 due to not being able to cope with all that is going on in my life. Some days I can’t get out of bed, sometimes I find it hard to communicate because the medications make my mind feel numbed and blocked. I can’t work right now, I am too weak mentally and physically, I was signed off work for a year since March 2020. I pretend to be normal when I have to and am screaming inside every moment of everyday. In March 2021 I was told I have major vitamin deficiencies, however I am allergic to all the supplements offered from the doctor’s and feel helpless as to where to turn now for health help. I feel like a dead corpse.

I cannot concieve of a future lost in a hazy cloud of fog crawling on the earth in the dark. I don’t know what is happening. I can do what I can, the rest I surrender to God. I pray to God, my soul, my higher self, my spirit guides and archangels everyday for healing to help me get through this and for me to feel normal again. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to feel normal and wonder if I have permanent damage, will I ever recover?

In the future I would like to succeed in my personal and planetary goals of writing books, starting rehabilitation centres for people from all walks of life, growing DiosRaw, spread knowledge, be a loving strong force in the world, travel, heal, love myself more and more, continue on the path of enlightenment, gain knowledge, become a shaman’s apprentice, use plant medicine, speak truth, make documentaries and friends, report on unreported issues in the world and experience many things on my bucketlist; above all to fulfil my purpose of becoming a shaman (a spiritual healer/medicine woman).

A brief synopsis of my story.

In March 2021, I deleted a previously successful blog due to WordPress censorship; I could not interact with my followers properly, the liking function was blocked, comments were deleted and the growth of the blog stagnated. It was tormenting that I couldn’t use the blog properly, all the blood, sweat and tears poured into that blog to no avail. I decided to delete the blog and begin anew with DiosRaw.

I appreciate you following my journey and hope to inspire, share knowledge, enlighten and spread love.

I love you. Love is the answer.

Amber, DiosRaw ~ 16/05/21

diosraw0.wordpress.com ~ Created ~ 18th March 2021