Tag Archives: pain


Dwelling where the tears dry in blood stains

Echoed nightmares ghost my tortured young innocent shell

In streets not paved in gold

But misery mountains that I scale everyday

Wearily sauntering around their slippy slopes

For a cigarette butt or piece of fruit to trigger some chemicals on the way

To keep afloat for a few hours


As I die a little bit more everyday

Sitting on my concrete throne chained to the only thing I know, my backpack

An abyss of loneliness
My friend, my foe

As I die a little bit more everyday

Without the courage to end it

Or the will to go on

The vagabond wanders aimlessly

Under the artificial lights


Cold waves gushing and crashing into the night shiver

Diurnal souls in the comfort of cosy beds dreaming in the astral planes

But like nocturnal birds I’m awake

Benumbed and desolate and destaught

Prying to catch a sight of fire in some form

In the meantime

Trying to guard the cold with my bare whipped icey skin


My eyes glaze over

Ice burns my soul

Another countless night passes

Out here on this endless road

Food or smoke? Limited choices

To get through another sleepless frozen dusk and dawn

Am I to survive this night with men with knive


As you disguise yourself, on benches,
in corners, alleys and streets

Hidden in woods and underpasses of freeways

Tents, cars of strangers and filthy squat abodes with rats as the first pitter patter of morning echos and mold as a bacterial presence

You disappear, to find comfort in the only place left to heal.

~DiosRaw, 16/09/21

Poetry {162} ~ RAW

I know you know what it feels like to be in utter despair and pretend you’re in repair

Each passing day decimating by the millisecond, crushing the bones of every molecule in this physical bodily existence

Melancholia greys the lenses of perception

Each toke sinks me further into scattered fragments of the Self left around the world, trauma splattered across the continent

Still unresolved after attempt after attempt to heal

A baby pure soul tumbled into a mess

I crave and hunger for the days when there was a baseline normal

When I knew I was safe in my own temple

When I kept myself away from the other students of Spirit on this planet, away so no one could hurt me again; in that way that slowly breaks you piece by piece and you don’t really know what’s going on because you’re just a child, always sighted in seeing the pure in people which stung, stung to the depths of hell, when the trap door opens again to reveal another dimension of hell. The hell you created unknowingly, partially knowingly

When will things get better? They say it will, yet it doesn’t, not yet, there’s still something left that knows to live

Pretending or self-protectioning to act straight when you’re bending in ways you never knew existed, snapped into the ashes of cremation dust

Years of ideation to live another day

An endless sleep, sleep feels safer than reality sometimes, maybe we’re already asleep

Cannot take pharaceuticals drugs, yet they take the delight to a slight tendency to hook young ones for the health

“We’re here to help, remember,” comes a gasping response

Where’s the stealth?

Slice me open until there is nothing left I once said

Self-love whispering between the cracks in the psyche’s worn out shed

Swamped by the crowds, more lonely and cut open than ever

This world

Conscience flesh haunts my nightmares and daydreams

Or is it the menstrual hormone arrows floating in the hope streams

My breath slips away on crimson puddles that stain my thoughts

Numbness I used to fight with pain has morphed into a nauseating depth I want to fill with a soothing translucent blue to drown out the feeling

Into Greece’s crystal shimmering sunsets and love-state dreams

Where reality was play and lived all the same, unknowingly a child in God’s grand tapestry game

The way you suffer is completely felt to you, no one can ever hurt like you, weep like you, die like you. in it’s singularity

There is, at the very least, awe for its chameleon-like nature

If there is beauty and love and gentleness in a wound, it is that it is distinct somehow knowingly yet mentally a dual confliction, the pain feels real, is it real or is my ego convincing me yet again, hiding in plain sight is the blinding light

Haven’t we been here before?

Do you have moments where you can’t imagine a future?
You’re lying there staring at the
Same walls
Same ceilings
Same words
With nothing but the same feelings-
Empty and pale
Like there’s no reason to go on

The future is simultaneously unfolding in the moments
Paining the imagining of yourself in the framework
Where then you just want to stop
And just sit there for a while, maybe not forever, but something close to it
When you feel like there’s a rope around your neck

Is it just depression or is it the loneliness
when you don’t know but you know, you can’t continue to feel this way

There is a reason water is clear, and blood is crimson, for it would be far too painful to try and see the truth in your veins

Caged up wild delirious animal

Stagnant, though I’ve reflected all this progress

But the truth is lost
In 7.8 billion
Who have had enough
And you may know souls

I’ll never forget waking up from a coma, covered in my own soul mess, I hoped I would be going to my myself, eyes wide and glassy, only able to repeat “I want to live now” yet it wasn’t there.. “Love is the answer,” I raised and whispered slipping into hypnotic, to the astral planes

I felt the taste of death in my own mouth, at my own hand

And at that moment I understood that I was not going to live forever, some may not contemplate or realize that, but when you do, your whole life can or will change

Or at least some fractal of you that isn’t numb, believes and still believes

Always believe


~DiosRaw, 02/09/21


Primal and moaning huskily, she is your salacious vortex

The ever-whirling primitive urgency around your core

The yearning soul crux in your ripe self-womb

Howling your name, calling from lust

Feral and ravenous

All-consuming and persistent

Soul vampirism

She is the thrumming flux of oceanic heat drenching your cells

Inciting wet appetites with her probing greedy medusa gorgon headed tongues

Ancient and powerful, she infiltrates your mind, diverting its purpose to her own

Hijacking the reptilian encephalon

Latching onto wounds to burst to improvise the salve ~ problem and solution circuitry

The exquisite agony of her insistence
rips through your cosmic awareness and erupts bodily functions

You open your jaws and howl her name, becoming her beast

Feeding or starving the monster?

To integrate and transcend? Or to loop in cycles of pleasure to no end?

She is lust

Stroking the heat of passion with every touch

She whips and you obey

Dampening conscience musings with justifications and rationalisations

Befuddled translations

Every action bringing you closer and closer to the brim

Of explicit satisfaction

Yet the lust will never cease to die down and burn out

Until the devotee knows and lives within God’s framework without a doubt

The will to know thyself, stamp out.

~DiosRaw, 23/08/21


Souls, once basking in the sun

Now scope for plummeting stars

Ludic fingers

G r a s p i n g

For a sole thread of truth

Don’t fly too immediate little firefly

For it’s flame shall render

All your desires and dreams

To spurned quagmires of wax

D r i p p i n g

In these wrinkled hands thirsty in the shadow of the unconscious whirlpools

I know I know

The things we don’t understand in the chasms of reality

Asking you to hold my hand

Yet again

Your innocence

Like those eyes—my sixth sense

Your protection—my amens; My “I can’s”

Amok daydreams

The bounce, the charm, the myrth, the smile

All locked within the hibernating child

That I buried deep in the wild

And yet, my fantasies resumed

The undecayed body exhumed

Metamorphosis repose

The multifaceted golden soul to expose

No innocence in you since a nuisance

A new sense- unknown sins.

~DiosRaw, 04/08/21


I consistently find
myself, my ego,

Why am I always

As if I have to justify my existence
Each little thought
Any brief phrase
The slightest movement

You stroked
and played
me as I seeked comfort and safety in circular reaction motion

I am a sinner you say when you broke the same rules of the game

As drowning
teardrops choking
for air to breathe

Did I play you unconsciously, not knowing what I was doing so young and traumatised, I warned you yet you still came along for the ride?

Does it warrant a reaction such as that?

I was the strings
of your fiddle
to your games

You say I was the abuser and I played the game, reverse roles

My head is back to front?

When free of the pantomime drama of this life?

When I decide so

You played
me and stroked
my strings

I allowed to be
drowned in

you were

And I was drowning you

When really we were strangling ourselves

Projecting and firing ego arrows, unfolding the unconscious of our being

Seeking ourselves in eachother

Clambering onto the boarding sinking ship of mutual respect

Sometimes you have to make a choice, not drag your feet behind that choice

And choking
Our soul’s to
The illusion of death.

~DiosRaw, 02/08/21


In these impermanent moments when life and death converge

Love is the refuge leaning in to submerge

When on the verge

Bleeding out womb wounds

Complications melded with fainting tunes

Sleep deprived, drained and anemia lurking, iron starvation twisting my psyche

Emergency room’s florescent lights dull hum at 18:07

Again she writhes in pain despite the painkillers she never wanted to take

It’ll end they say

Though there’s no end in sight

Death flowers up through warm

Forgotten past life trauma psychics say

Wait for the doctor’s diagnosis

Somewhere the blood flows like a poisoned river

Somewhere florescent lights dim
and all across the UK lights fade, the characters in the infinite dream

Lion-hearted mask drop
Not here
Not yet

How long can you keep up the smiling when there is a torturous void inside?

Dunked under, gasping for air

Anxiety strangling the soul

Sleepless nights wired staring at walls

Can’t cope with this trapdoor

Energies sturring up inside

Debating inside do it or not

Baring the observer of hundreds of universes spinning and mingling with my aura, an unconscious dance; tearing up inside, my ego spits me out and chews it up, the thoughts of what could be cut the soul into smithereens.. Quietly tearing through numbness..

Deadly delirous yet sanest sane

Slipping into the insane

When will the day come when the poems are pregnant with the sweetest notes of my soul?

The melodies caged within the worn out chambers of the heart

Waking in a pool blood bath

Storms whipping up in my mind

The devil is in the midsts

Can’t feel anything anymore

Salivating at relief, where are you?

Black hole

How much pain can a person take until they break?

The more you run, the more it comes for you

Hormones dishevelled, blood loss, flooding numbness and tingling, not well in the head

Stiffled, suppressed, help,making myself sick, creator of own reality, exploding a birth of supernovae cocooned within


Too much pain wringing my mind

I wonder how did it get to this

Where have you gone, where are you?

Did you ever leave?

I wonder if I’ll fall through the crevices, a baby chick dropping out of a tree, deformed wings

Running all night long, feeling in control

In my soul

Gold, brewing in the astral spheres

Oh I dream

Trying to walk to smoke the cigarette, my dummy, stuff I never imagined

Each step a knife cuts through my gut, coarsing through every cell of my being

Limitations numerological ruminations

Need therapy

Just hold me in yand never let go

It’s self love I know

Addictions on the verge of collapse

Delirious to connect, can’t do this, can do that, what the is that?

Can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t weep

Depression creeping up, lack of oxygen, lack of blood, neurotransmitters befuddled up

Rumbling, I sense the presence of doom sinking and plunging seemly without consent

We are no closer to home

Yet it’s already here in this quantum striny

Flash of red-white ER lights

Wail of sirens

Bedded and waiting

Bleeding, weak, faint and desperate pleas of painting

As the IVs drip, drip, dripping clear fluids

Old blue hospital air in a room without sun

Still waiting

Yields to cell with the shield bearing insurers at Blue

Still the drip, drip, dripping of the IV bag

Forces me to keep my shaky arm down
against the blood panels

Exhale… resignation

Forced admittance

Transferred to room 5162

Hospital blue again

Beside colour coded lines beneath the signs for ante-natal, children’s, orthopedics, geriatric care,
concentric sets of double doors

Past murals hung on whitewashed walls

Filling space but not the time

Which stretches and expands as I walk the corridors toward ward three

Reception staff are busy at their desks, scuttling from here to there

Do they know they are working for the devil?

The unconscious beauty of being in service to others yet

Thinking the good they do, yet a knowing that the loop circuitry is to keep people sick

To make the orgy of money for the devil’s playground, maya

Here, propped up, I make a home for these momentary hours or nights

Blankets cradle me so the locked hair
cascades around the weary resting face
and plunges down as her safety net of protection

The Wheel of Fortune is on the big screen

As patients echo lulls in the emergency room

Churning, cold, endlessly waiting yet being in this carnival of melancholic abyss

Alone yet never alone. I love you.

~DiosRaw, 22/07/21


Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgement. It may evoke changes in them such as cognitive dissonance or low self-esteem, rendering the victim additionally dependent on the gaslighter for emotional support and validation. Using denial, misdirection, contradiction and disinformation, gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim’s beliefs.

Poetry {109} ~ BETWIXT TWO EVILS

How do I decide

Something that tears me up inside

Betwixt two evils, the best of two evils

How am I to chose?

Either way I lose

Please don’t pressure me

A life metamorphic decision for thee

For an answer I cannot give

Just Love

Maybe sometimes we cling to the things that make us bleed

Because we’d rather feel the pain in the familiar weed

Than the peace in the unknown

I do not know if this decision is right to disown

Nor do I know where it is leading

Butterfly stomach, head spinning, anxiety breeding

It feels as if the suffering has just begun

When you reach hell, the trapdoor opens to squeeze the neck, soul hung

To find a basementless hell

Unfinished creation

Sometimes I wonder how this will turn out, will you still be around?

Cornered in loneliness out of a decision only I can make.

~DiosRaw, 25/06/21