Tag Archives: pain

Poetry {130} ~ EMERGENCY ROOM SENTIMENTS

In these impermanent moments when life and death converge

Love is the refuge leaning in to submerge

When on the verge

Bleeding out womb wounds

Complications melded with fainting tunes

Sleep deprived, drained and anemia lurking, iron starvation twisting my psyche

Emergency room’s florescent lights dull hum at 18:07

Again she writhes in pain despite the painkillers she never wanted to take

It’ll end they say

Though there’s no end in sight

Death flowers up through warm

Forgotten past life trauma psychics say

Wait for the doctor’s diagnosis

Somewhere the blood flows like a poisoned river

Somewhere florescent lights dim
and all across the UK lights fade, the characters in the infinite dream

Lion-hearted mask drop
Not here
Not yet

How long can you keep up the smiling when there is a torturous void inside?

Dunked under, gasping for air

Anxiety strangling the soul

Sleepless nights wired staring at walls

Can’t cope with this trapdoor

Energies sturring up inside

Debating inside do it or not

Baring the observer of hundreds of universes spinning and mingling with my aura, an unconscious dance; tearing up inside, my ego spits me out and chews it up, the thoughts of what could be cut the soul into smithereens.. Quietly tearing through numbness..

Deadly delirous yet sanest sane

Slipping into the insane

When will the day come when the poems are pregnant with the sweetest notes of my soul?

The melodies caged within the worn out chambers of the heart

Waking in a pool blood bath

Storms whipping up in my mind

The devil is in the midsts

Can’t feel anything anymore

Salivating at relief, where are you?

Black hole

How much pain can a person take until they break?

The more you run, the more it comes for you

Hormones dishevelled, blood loss, flooding numbness and tingling, not well in the head

Stiffled, suppressed, help,making myself sick, creator of own reality, exploding a birth of supernovae cocooned within

Lost

Too much pain wringing my mind

I wonder how did it get to this

Where have you gone, where are you?

Did you ever leave?

I wonder if I’ll fall through the crevices, a baby chick dropping out of a tree, deformed wings

Running all night long, feeling in control

In my soul

Gold, brewing in the astral spheres

Oh I dream

Trying to walk to smoke the cigarette, my dummy, stuff I never imagined

Each step a knife cuts through my gut, coarsing through every cell of my being

Limitations numerological ruminations

Need therapy

Just hold me in yand never let go

It’s self love I know

Addictions on the verge of collapse

Delirious to connect, can’t do this, can do that, what the is that?

Can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t weep

Depression creeping up, lack of oxygen, lack of blood, neurotransmitters befuddled up

Rumbling, I sense the presence of doom sinking and plunging seemly without consent

We are no closer to home

Yet it’s already here in this quantum striny

Flash of red-white ER lights

Wail of sirens

Bedded and waiting

Bleeding, weak, faint and desperate pleas of painting

As the IVs drip, drip, dripping clear fluids

Old blue hospital air in a room without sun

Still waiting

Yields to cell with the shield bearing insurers at Blue

Still the drip, drip, dripping of the IV bag

Forces me to keep my shaky arm down
against the blood panels

Exhale… resignation

Forced admittance

Transferred to room 5162

Hospital blue again

Beside colour coded lines beneath the signs for ante-natal, children’s, orthopedics, geriatric care,
concentric sets of double doors

Past murals hung on whitewashed walls

Filling space but not the time

Which stretches and expands as I walk the corridors toward ward three

Reception staff are busy at their desks, scuttling from here to there

Do they know they are working for the devil?

The unconscious beauty of being in service to others yet

Thinking the good they do, yet a knowing that the loop circuitry is to keep people sick

To make the orgy of money for the devil’s playground, maya

Here, propped up, I make a home for these momentary hours or nights

Blankets cradle me so the locked hair
cascades around the weary resting face
and plunges down as her safety net of protection

The Wheel of Fortune is on the big screen

As patients echo lulls in the emergency room

Churning, cold, endlessly waiting yet being in this carnival of melancholic abyss

Alone yet never alone. I love you.

~DiosRaw, 22/07/21

~Gaslighting~

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgement. It may evoke changes in them such as cognitive dissonance or low self-esteem, rendering the victim additionally dependent on the gaslighter for emotional support and validation. Using denial, misdirection, contradiction and disinformation, gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim’s beliefs.

Poetry {109} ~ BETWIXT TWO EVILS

How do I decide

Something that tears me up inside

Betwixt two evils, the best of two evils

How am I to chose?

Either way I lose

Please don’t pressure me

A life metamorphic decision for thee

For an answer I cannot give

Just Love

Maybe sometimes we cling to the things that make us bleed

Because we’d rather feel the pain in the familiar weed

Than the peace in the unknown

I do not know if this decision is right to disown

Nor do I know where it is leading

Butterfly stomach, head spinning, anxiety breeding

It feels as if the suffering has just begun

When you reach hell, the trapdoor opens to squeeze the neck, soul hung

To find a basementless hell

Unfinished creation

Sometimes I wonder how this will turn out, will you still be around?

Cornered in loneliness out of a decision only I can make.

~DiosRaw, 25/06/21

~Any Intolerable Experience Generally Leads To Dissociation Of One Kind Or Another~

“Because the soul is incapable of tolerating the direct impact of traumatic event or situation, the organism becomes overwhelmed and goes into emergency mode. A dimension of the organism becomes frozen emotionally and energetically, a frozenness that ends up being repressed or split off from consciousness. This then influences conscious experience in ways that might not be obvious to the individual, as has been identified as posttraumatic stress disorder. What is significant for our exploration here is that the soul cannot at the time tolerate the sensations, feelings, and visual images associated to the incident or situation. This intolerance makes the soul dissociate, a defense mechanism often seen in traumatized individuals. The soul deals with the intolerable situation by not experiencing it directly, either by totally blocking it out of consciousness or by retaining the memory while becoming numb to its emotional and feeling significance. But for the soul to do that she would need to limit and lower the intensity of her awareness. Since the essential presence is pure presence of awareness the dissociation will have to include dissociation from this inner ground of the soul for it to be effective. In other words, in order for the soul to dissociate from the traumatic event or situation it inadvertently dissociates from her essential presence. Something similar happens in the case of severe abuse of any kind. In fact, any intolerable experience generally leads to dissociation of one kind or another, all of which result in dissociation of the soul from her essential ground. This dissociation then becomes structured into the identity and character of the developing soul.”

~The Inner Journey Home, pg. 171

Poetry {105} ~ PURGING SALINE RINSED FISSURES

As I touched my skin

I realized this is my temple

This is my home

Gorging with impunity to fill an empty void

Of hollow needs and guilty deeds that fester

Unceasingly into fissures of a vacuous soul

Searching without finding a way to make it whole

Purging with obsession to cleanse a tarnished image

Of distorted ideals with unrealistic appeals that flaunts

False messages onto unsuspecting circuits of the mind

Revolving endlessly without stopping to unwind

Binging with a ravenous urge to quell the anguish

Of taunted jeers and unfounded fears of rejection

Spinning uncontrollably without cause or reason

Into fragmented notions and confused emotions

Repelling with compulsion to assuage the shame

Of inaccessible goals and lost controls that mock

Incessantly with bitterness that burns the wounds within

Disgorging undigested pieces of a broken whole

When all its wounds and scars have been saline-rinsed

Where does Love find the wherewithal
to try again? Endeavor.

~DiosRaw, 19/06/21

Poetry {89} ~ THREE HEADS RUFFLES

Slouching into the cold switching warm sofa embedded with my energy print

Walls imagining to be closing in

Nausea welling up the will collapse

You’ve been by my side day and night

Chills running through cold veins

Fear creeping in

Smoking on my own

Loneliness pours from my soul

Where has the woman who could stand in her own, comfortable from being alone twenty four seven?

Reggae music soothing the ruffles that grow three heads

Spinning waves of lethargic subconscious appearances

Knowing the truth yet not being able to embody and live it

No matter, feel alone in the singular unbearable pit of a universe this soul experience perceived to be

Regurgitating the same archetypal phenomena surround dramatic spin

Smoke dancing in ether, wafting past my physical space vehicle, a suit jammed on for a needle of a time

Heart appearing somewhat alien, drowned by the numbness strung by fear and karmic peturbances

Cold flesh folded against eachother, purched in the forever of this sensory world

Yearning for the outer dimensional truer in feeling realms

Conflicts marinating in the juices of the poisons yet remedies of 0my mind

To be pampered again betwixt turmoil by this intelligence

Thinking the thoughts many think, yet do not manifest

Absorbed in the dense energies of the haze

Visions blurry

The accessory of the yesterday’s pains attaching onto the auric field

Current disturbances the children of the past

Outer world glued together

Inner sphere chaotic drooling mess

This figure tapes up her soul’s tears, sinking into the blackhole of sludge dragging the ship down

Fiddles with the tape in-between

Acts socially conditioned recognisable

Boiling up, flaming up

The pan is boiling and bubbling

Containing a brew of vague understandings yet few are those that chose to know

Trapped in a vinyl disk, eclipsing across the deck

Asking why she is not home yet

Weak

Addictive pathways delved into and pulled out of

Whispers of a new tomorrow

Sinking ships melancholic blues

A despairing lost pixilated blur

Wailing silence deadening the corpse she’d become

Only she felt her subjective experience, ultimately in her creation

Of gun fire wounds, horror and sickening fear.

~DiosRaw, 03/06/21

Poetry {83} ~ AMUSED PLATITUDE PAINS OF INVINCIBLE YOUTH

The energy of youth amused

Gone into bones and growth and fears unsoothed

Facts I thought invincible, now looked on with doubt

Muddled and befuddled, can’t figure it all out

The deeper the mind penetrates, the more questions arise

Those complacent platitudes the present self denies

Doubts are growing pains, no cause for alarm

Healthy curiosity can do no harm

Am I growing less naive?

Yet the eye of the ego may decieve

It would aid if I should know what just to believe

Enlightenment is the additive fixation to be retrived

Embraced by God’s warm arms recieved

Life swerves in directions yet to be conceived

I hope the growing pains are bearable

To look back someday hysterical

I did something I was not ready to do, maybe that is the way to grow

Awakening from deep sleep to realize how everything looked with soul lenses cleared, worldly window.

For once to surrender to the flow in the midst of billowy willows.

~DiosRaw, 03/06/21

The Human Family Community Open Threads ,{72} ~ Why Do Some People Have Higher Pain Tolerances Than Others?

Welcome to “The Human Family Community Open Threads,” a project open for anyone who would like to express their feelings, make friends or talk about anything; if you feel suicidal, depressed, anxious or lonely during these times this project is here for you. Feel free to leave a comment below and connect, let’s start a conversation. No judgement, we don’t know until we walk in someone else’s shoes..

~DiosRaw, 29/05/21